JODI GORDON-

I know this is old news, but Holy crap- I just had to rant about it.

The best thing about this story is the Herald Sun's front page headline- "HOME AND AFRAID". 
That is genius on a level I have never seen before. I literally sat stunned staring at that headline.

This shit is better than one of her shows story lines- millionaire boyfriend, disappears from kings cross,is reported missing, calls police to report IMAGINARY ARMED GUNMEN are trying to storm the house, then is found cowering in a bikies bedroom tweaked out her tiny anorexic mind?? WHHAAA???!!??!

I mean I've had 2 IMAGINARY BLONDE HOTTIES do unspeakable things to me [we had sex.....Well I guess those "things" are speakable....] but I DIDNT CALL THE COPS to tell them!!! I wanted to but I resisted.

What is next??? Home and Away resident old codger ALF shirtless with crude texta drawings on his naked upper torso, swinging a ninja sword in the middle of FED SQUARE declaring "STONE THE FLAMIN' CROWS! I AM THE HIGHLANDER!!!!!!". 
Actually, that would be cool.

Then, low and behold- it's revealed she goes to strip clubs for acting research. Wow.
In her defense, I have also attended many gentlemen's clubs for research....IN MY PANTS. 
I have followed Jodi's story closely and what have I learned? I want to make her my wife. Don't you know skinny coked out actresses are good breeding stock?

EMO FUCKERS AND THE DEATH OF THE MOVIE GOING EXPERIENCE-

OK. I like going to the movies. There is nothing like seeing a fine movie on a huge screen and awesome sound. The popcorn, a choc top, losing yourself in the world that an awesome movie creates- what's not to like?
Well how about THE NEVER ENDING ARMY OF TEENAGE PISSANTS WHO WON'T TURN OFF THEIR PHONE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Fuck me, these idiots just ruin the whole trip to the movies. I don't think I am over reacting when I saw they should be sterilized, then hog tied to a cactus and tazered to an inch of there life!! Then afterwards- made to get rid of the frullet, combed forward, poofy emo type hair style and forced to get a proper hair cut.
And you know who you are too- let this be a warning. If in a movie you talk on a phone, get a text message that has a IMPOSSIBLY loud alert tone, talk AT ALL to your dickhead mates, kick my seat and EVEN LOOK IN MY DIRECTION I will dead set kill you with your own "obviously a fashion accessory" skateboard. 
YOU SUCK AND WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING YOU DOGS!! ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS WILL GO UNFULFILLED!! YOU ARE ADOPTED!! YOU WILL DIE ALONE!!! ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

But I blame the cinema as well. Obviously a workplace that employs nothing but 15-18 year old dickwits is going to be less inclined to stop that very demographic from acting like the dickwits they are. What they need is a roaming gang of movie lovers ENFORCING the unwritten movie laws. 
The penalty for breaking them? I suggest it would be movie specific. If you were watching misery- you get your legs broken. Empire strikes back- Hand cut off. Deliverance- well, you get the idea.

These little arsehole literally make the whole experience so crap you find yourself saying- "I'll just wait for DVD". EVEN ON A MOVIE YOU ARE DESPERATE TO SEE. The worst cimemas where these cretins hang out are obviously shopping centres and the Melbourne central cinema. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. 
If these rich arse theatre chains were serious about getting back the audience they lost to HOME CINEMAS they need to fix this fucking problem now!! Anyone who wears an 80's style v-neck pastel coloured t shirt and tight leg jeans SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH A PILLOW CASE OF 20 CENT PEICES AND SHOT ON SIGHT. Fuckers.

TRANSFORMERS 2 AND INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS-

God god, these are terrible movies for two totally different reasons.
Transformers 2 is a blur of annoying, loud action with no interesting characters in scenes that don't make a lick of sense.
Basterds is a boring movie with too much talking by half fleshed out characters and no action what so ever.

Now I already knew Michael Bay was shit, what surprised me was Quentin Tarantino is shitter.

We know what to expect from a Bay movie- big budget action movie garbage. And now we know what we will get from a Tarantino/weinstein production. Self indulgent tripe. And I think even tripe would not want to be associated with this stinker.
Tarantino has know done three incredibly poorly written movies in a row. Kill Bill part one was awesome. But I cannot give him a pass on this one. Why? Well bucko, for the unbelievable cuntiness of Kill Bill part 2, Death Proof and Basterds. Basterds made me angry, really angry. I walked out and was so upset I glassed the snack bar attendant on the way out. And believe me, no court would convict me upon learning the 3 HOURS of tourturous bullshit I was just subjected to. I am a huge fan of WW2 movies and was looking forward to seeing this genre up on the screen again. The Great Escape, The Big Red One, The Dirty Dozen, Bridge over the River Kwai, Battle of the Bulge, Kelly's Heroes- all great WW2 movies and some of my favorite all time movies. Even MENTIONING QT's crapfest in the same breath as these classics [which he has done repeatedly in interviews] is treason!!! I would of killed this movie but it was already dead!!

WHY I HATED INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS:
1.
How you gunna make a WW2 movie with no friggin war scenes?!!
2.
The Movie is called Inglourious Basterds. They are in the movie for 20 minutes. And all they do is stand around and look tough. The rest of the movie is german and french fuckers doing jack shit.
3.
Every Inane dialogue scene goes 10 minutes too long, making you want to set yourself on fire just to see if you can still experience emotions other than boredom. 
4.
Wasted characters. Why where those british dudes even in this movie? The nazi dude freed from nazi jail- interesting character that dies quickly and adds nothing. Eli Roth is a terrible actor and Brad Pitt? A shit character with a shit accent. And having Pitt saying "witty and cool" dialogue and randomly dropping in line like " I got injun blood in me" and " I used to sell me some moonshine in the mountain of Tennessee! yeee-haaa!!!" does not make a layered character with back story. It's just lazy writing.
5.
The marketing- THIS WAS MARKETED AS AN ACTION MOVIE!!!! Anyone who watches this shit will immediately know that is a FLAT OUT LIE!!!!! LIARS!!! FUCK YOU LIARS!!!!

Seriously, QT stop loving yourself and just make a good movie like you used to make- like Dusk till dawn. Remember how cool that was? Remember? Pulp Fiction was cool, what happen to you dude?

LIGHT SABER SPOONS

As far as the coolest thing on the face of the earth- THERE IS NO COMPETITION.

Hands down the best spoon in the universe, I recently came into possession of one of these babies. Not just a red one BUT A GREEN AND BLUE ONE AS WELL!!!! [How do I wanna eat my corn flakes? As a sith lord or Jedi Knight?... Hmmmm....] I have noticed my rice bubbles taste more "force-y" than usual while eating with it as well.

GIRL I HAVE A CRUSH ON THIS MONTH-

Marieke Hardy.
Good gravy- this woman is awesome. Anyone who has seen her on that ABC book show [can't remember the name of it, I was too busy being smitten as buggery] or read her column in the age will know she is switched on and witty as fuck. And yep, she is as cute as a button. Dear lord she is cute, cute in a HOLD THE PHONE MUM, I WANT NUGGETS FOR DINNER!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! type way.
And sure I know what your about to say- "you only like her because she wrote the only favorable review of STUDIO 4"

"Friday's Studio 4 is another gem, and fronted by similarly winsome brainiacs who, when not 
utilising their seemingly infinite collection of stock footage (a review of Clerks 2 consisting 
entirely of patients in 1950s' pyjamas vomiting lavishly into bedside buckets), are throwing 
in odd vignettes about the Hulk doing his tax and hitting each other on the head with 
rubber balls. 
Last Friday's episode featured a particular piece about a regenerating computer which was 
so admirably bizarre it made me laugh 'til I dampened my gusset, which is surely the 
highest praise a television columnist can bestow upon a cavalier undergraduate sketch 
show tucked into the dark recesses of a community network." 

And I say ok, there's a little truth to that accusation, sure that opened the door. But her laid back easy to read writing style sprinkled with pop culture references got her over the line. SO BACK OFF CHIEF, JUST BACK THE FUCK UP!!! WHATS WITH THE ATTITUDE??!!!....Ahem. 

Here's to you Ms Hardy- may may your coke and ice cream spider be fizzy for eternity.

JAMES T. KIRK- INTERGALACTIC NYMPHO

I watched a few of the origional star trek TV series recently.
Ya gotta hand it to Kirk. Heres a dude who was given a 50 billion dollar spaceship to pilot into the great unknown of space and  what's he concerned with? GETTING LAID.
It's just like he's driving around a hotted up monaro and picking up the neighborhood chicks.
I don't know how many time Spock would of walked into Kirks quarters and was PUNCHED IN THE FACE by the smell of space whore booty stank, but I'm guess it would be more than 1.....thousand times!
And the great thing is- he banged every species!! Human, green hose head, purple gill head, grey emo robe/hoodie chick- he banged 'em all AND LOVED IT AND WENT BACK FOR A FOLLOW UP BOOTY CALL.
And I gotta say- I love him for it. He would be the first man to bang a chick with 3 boobs that wasn't from Chernobyl.
James T. Kirk intergalactic sex deviate- just look at this space dildo he fashion with just a rudiment lathe- 

Kirk!! Going where no man has gone before!!! Now if we can just get a man to go here: