Greetings and thank you for reading PANTS RANT, now with 34% more calcium.

OLD PEOPLE ON TRAINS/BUSES/TRAMS

As a regular public transport user for over 8 years I now consider myself a "veteran" of PT etiquette. So let me take time out to speak to all the fogies out there. Assuming you have a computer and are not looking up Bing Crosby, or swearing at your computer because you don't trust anything made by the japanese.

FUCKING HANG ON TO SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT!!

Fuck me sideways, if I added up the time I spent on trams DODGING FLYING PENSIONERS I would be a fucking pensioner. 
SCENARIO: An old dude gets on the tram. He gets his ticket. He walks down the isle looking for a seat. The tram begins moving, SENDING MATLOCK FLYING AND CAUSING MASS CARNAGE ON A NEVER SEEN BEFORE SCALE!!!

And why? He didn't grab on to one of the many available handles or bars generously provided by the yarra trams cunts. WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD AND A STRONG BREEZE WOULD BOWL YOU OVER, LET ALONE THE MOMENTUM OF A TRAM THAT SENDS YOU HURTLING UP THE ISLE LIKE A BUTTER MENTHOL SCENTED SCUD MISSLE!!!
And when those fossils hit you you, they hurt. They just charge straight through you like Dermott Brereton in a Essendon Halftime huddle.

It's not like you woke up one morning, looked in the mirror like TOM HANKS in BIG and said "shit, I'm 82 and pretty frail" like it was a BIG SURPRISE!!  YOU KNOW YOU ARE A FOGIE AND MAY NEED ASSISTANCE STANDING AND SITTING ON A MOVING VEHICLE!!
You went through world wars, the depression and Richard Wilkins, you should FUCKING KNOW BETTER!!!
Hang on when on the tram! Save yourself the hip replacement.

On another note, I recently saw a trio of old farts refuse to give up their seat to a pregnant bird. I ask you- who should get seat preference? The future of the human race or the codger who has run his race and the only thing he contributes to society is telling kids to stay out of his front yard and listening to AM talkback radio??!! You be the judge.
Besides, we all know the seating order of preference on PT 
1. Pregnant Chicks.
2. Old Dudes
3. Chromers
4. Fat Pricks
5. Ticket inspectors
6. Joe Q Public
7. Hermaphrodite South African Athletes.
8. School kids

WEET-BIX AND MILK- WHATS THE DEAL??

Honestly, the ability to absorb the amount of milk weet bix has astounds me. It seems it doesnt matter how much milk I put on those delicious breakfast bricks- THEY ALWAYS SOAK THAT SHIT UP. Then you gotta add more milk. It's a never ending cycle.
There has got to be some sort of mathematical equation to figure what the right balance is. Something like- 

circumference of bowl 
           x 
number of weet bix
           -
wind chill factor
           =
litres of milk required.

This stuff has to the most absorbent thing on earth. Why hasn't this technology been developed? 
Get those big arse helicopters to dump them in flood land, soak up the water, then big arse helicopter picks up weet bix sludge and dumps it on starving people. 
Thank me later.

CHUMP MOVES I'VE MADE IN ORDER TO GET LAID

I know the title sounds like a rap lyric, but heres a list of shit things I've done in order to win a ladies affection. Some were worth it, some were NOT.

1. Drunk Light Beer.

2. Watched "500 Days of Summer". 

3. Watched "Gossip Girl" instead of "SLAMBALL"

4. Wore a lime green collared shirt.

5. Went to Church. 

6. Went to "CATS" 

7. Attended a "Reclaim the Night" fundraiser.
 [Interestingly, a random woman told me "all penetration was rape" while I was there. I replied "Even when Andrew Gaze penetrates a zone defense for a lay up?" Surprisingly, she didn't laugh.]

8. Sat through that "three colours" trilogy art house movie french bullshit. NOTHING is worth enduring that crud.

HEY, HEY IT'S RACIST

Stupidity on a massive level. That's the first thing I thought when I saw the whole blackface Michael Jackson act. How can you ever think it was ok to put that in the show? How could they ever conceive that it would be ok to air that shit? Especially the after the shit storm Sam Newman went through when he did it. 
Now if they were attempting some sort of edgy humor poking fun at racists- I could understand, even if the joke didn't work. But no one in history has ever uttered the words "edgy comedy and "Hey, Hey" in the same fucking sentence. 
Sure the act was from 20 years ago, but times have changed fucko! It just says to me that Hey Hey was better of how I remember it- IN THE PAST. And let's face it- THE SHOW IS BORING. SO BORING IT MAKES ME WANNA BURN SHIT, BURN SHIT AND WATCH THE NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF CHAOS, SACRIFICE A VIRGIN TO THE DARK LORD, BUY A GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL, LEARN HOW TO MAKE FONDUE AND PUNCH OUT AN ORPHAN!!!! But I digress. 
When it was on, the last 8 YEARS of the show was running on auto pilot. Lazy, boring , unoriginal, unwatchable TV. Sure, I remember the "Ah nurse" and bottles clinking sound effects as hilarious but that was the 80's. You want to do that now, invent a time machine and go back to the 80's needledick.

FUCKTARD OF THE MONTH- MICHAEL JORDAN

You'd think that Jordan's induction speech into the NBA hall of fame would be a classy affair, thanking all his team mates, opponents and coaches during his  awesome career  as possibly the best player ever.
WRONG.

During his speech Jordan proceed to diss Jeff Van Gundy [former Knicks coach who had the audacity to challenge him], Byron Russel [who "trash talked" Jordan], Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson and Goerge Gervin [who didn't give his airness the ball during the 1985 all star game] and his high school coach for not selecting him in his first year. What a cunt.

Maybe it's true what they say about him, amazing player, fucked person.

But for all the shit he talked during the speech, what was deafening was what he didn't say. Didn't thank Tex Winter, his trainer who kept him healthy for his whole career and Jerry Krause the Bulls GM, who is credited for putting the personnel of the championship teams together. Sure they had "personality clashes" during his career BUT HE DID PAY YOU MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR PLAYING FRIGGIN BASKETBALL FOR A LIVING!!! SHOW A BIT OF HUMILITY AND GRATITUDE!!!

What a bad winner.

FUCKTARD OF THE MONTH RUNNER UP- CHRIS JUDD

OK, I can understand punching someone in football. But  PULLING SOME PRESSURE POINT NINJA SHIT??!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

"I didn't want to hurt him i just wanted to PARALYZE HIM FOR LIFE!!!!"

What a dickhead. And his girlfriend sucks.

THE ROCK- WHATS THE DEAL??!!

Remember when this guy made fucking cool movies?
Walking Tall, Gridiron Gang, Welcome to the Jungle- all KICK ARSE MOVIES.
The dude is choc full of charisma and not afraid to take the piss out of himself [for proof watch his performance in "Be Cool"] and does the action comedy thing beautifully.
Simply put, we need more action/comedy movies THAT DON'T SUCK. I know he can do this.

So what the hell man, now your doing disney kids movies like "the tooth fairy"?? Don't be the next Vin Diesel dude, please don't.

Just pump out awesome action movies dude- THERES NO SHAME IN THAT!!!

CHICK WHO I HAVE A CRUSH ON THIS MONTH-
RASHIDA JONES

She is smokin hot in everything I've seen her in, but the clincher for me was in the american version of THE OFFICE.
When Jim left her for the-lets face it- ORDINARY LOOKING Pam, I understood but still wanted to punch him in the temple.
She's the sort of chick I would set myself on fire and complete a whole rubicks cube just to impress.
SHES THE SORT OF GIRL I WOULD GLADLY RUN NAKED THROUGH A BLACKBERRY BUSH AND FIGHT LENNOX LEWIS WITH A WIFFLE BALL BAT FOR!!!!
OH YEAHH!!!!

And on that unsavory note..... PEACE, CATCH YOU NEXT MONTH