Wiggita, Wiggita, let the rant begin!

KARL LAGERFELD HATES AWESOMENESS

This is Karl Lagerfeld- bullshit fashion designer and general dickhead	THIS IS AWESOME!!!!! Don't hate it- EMBRACE IT.

Fuck head fashion wanker Karl Lagerfeld is an alien. He must be judging by the photo above and his recent comment that "no one wants to see curvy models on the ramp" and "These are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television, saying that thin models are ugly".

HOW OUT OF TOUCH CAN YOU BE FUCKO?!!!

Lets just get the truth out there and be done with it- SKINNY MODEL TYPES ARE FUCKING UGLY!!!!
And let me be clear, I'm talking about dead looking skeleton chicks, not naturally slender chicks who obviously HAVE  a figure.

Dunno about you but a woman with curves is the MOST AWESOME THING EVER- on the flip side, a skinny anorexic bird that could fall between the cracks in the pavement? Not so much. They are grumpy from starvation and heroin abuse AND that really sucks the fun out of being around them. You can't take them to the pub, they are constantly telling you how many calories a pot has. And getting a kebab on the way home? FORGET ABOUT THAT SHIT LENNY. 
Why bother buying her a delicious double meat with cheese and extra garlic sauce kebab when she will just regurgitate that shit in a bid to retain her somalian famine victim figure?!!?

Karl goes on to say the catwalk is for "dreams and illusions, and no one wants to see round women".

DREAMS AND ILLUSIONS?? 

WELL LISTEN UP YOU DONKEY FART- I LOVE ME SOME REALITY!!!

And here I was thinking they were trying to sell clobber to chicks- FUCK ME I GOT THAT WRONG!!! 

HE'S TOO BUSY CREATING A FABTABULOUS DREAM FILLED WONDERLAND FOR  

SKINNY ZOMBIE CHICKS ON COKE AND CONDESCENDING, SELF IMPORTANT 

BILLIONAIRE OLD  FUCKS WHO HAVE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN THEIR LIFE!!!! 

UP YOURS KARL!!

WE DONT NEED YOUR $4000 SILK GLOVES!!! I GOT MY GLOVES AT $2 HOT POTATOES AND THEY WORK FINE!!! WHAT DO YOUR GLOVES DO KARL OTHER THAN WORK OVERTIME PULLING YOUR WANG!!!!

And curves is what makes a woman look like a woman- take that away? YOU GOT A MAN WITH A VAGINA. I dunno maybe thats what floats old Karl's boat- 

BUT I SHALL NOT STAND FOR THIS. I AM MAKING A STAND FOR 

AWESOMENESS!!! Curvy chicks, you RULE.

And another thing- Karlos should not be commenting on other peoples appearance- I MEAN LOOK AT HIM FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
If PRINCE fucked a tanning bed- THAT'S WHAT THEIR OFFSPRING WOULD LOOK LIKE.
Jesus H Christ, he looks like the grandfather of David Bowies character in "Labrynth"
Fuckin guy looks like a rejected Dr Who villain.

Shut up Karl, you suck.

JB HI FI- PULL UP YOUR SOCKS

Pre ordered a few movies recently [Observe and Report and Crank 2, 2 movies I was keen to see again]. JB notifies you by text message when your requested movie comes in. 
When did I get my text?

2 WEEKS AFTER THE FUCKIN THING WAS RELEASED!!!!!

How did I find out? I walked into another DVD store- and saw one of the DVD's I wanted.
Now it seems to me that you pre order something- you want to be amung the first to get it on the day it is released.

I mentioned this to a few mates and they informed me of MANY instances of this happening on games in particular. Not good enough dudes, Lift your game.

ONE HD- BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO TV SINCE JENNIFER HAWKINS DRESS FELL OFF 

You know how some ideas are so simple they are pure genius? ONE HD is the PERFECT example. A 24 hour free to air sports network in the most sports obsessed place on earth? Seemed like a no brainer. But network 10 came up with it first, so in my book THEY ARE FRIGGING AUSSIE LEGENDS.

Sport all the time whenever you want it? FUCKIN STRAP ME IN AND PASS ME A BEVERAGE- 
IT'S TIME TO WATCH SPORT!!!

Undeniably the best thing about this channel is THE 3 GAMES OF NBA A WEEK. WOOOOOOOO!!!! OH YEAH, 
SMASH THE GOOD CHINA AND FART ME THE THEME TO THE A-TEAM, 
THE NBA IS FANTASTIC!!!

I would of loved that shit as a kid, I remember sitting up until 2.30 am watching the ABC waiting for the NBA to come on. I vividly remember watching the Celtics Vs Pacers semi finals in the early 90's and was addicted. Game 3 I think it was- Larry Bird dived after a loose ball, smashing his head on the court, leaving with a fractured cheekbone then returning to the court five minutes later to rapturous cheering and turning the tide on a surging Indiana Pacers [including Reggie Miller and insane maniac Chuck "The Rifleman" Person] 
to win the game and series???!! Seriously, one of the best moments in sport EVER.

And even when the NBA rights got passed on to channel 10 [back in the "jump on the basketball bandwagon" days] and they broadcast the best highlights show ever- NBA ACTION and the CHOPPED UP TO HELL games that made no chronological sense- I STILL WATCHED EVERY GAME EVEN THOUGH THE CH10 RECEPTION IN BALLARAT WAS HORSESHIT BAD.
And now we get 3 games a week, a new weekly wrap show [not as good as NBA ACTION, but still good] plus "classic" NBA games and college ball as well??!!!! 
When I heard it was no bullshit true- I GOT WOOD.

THANK YOU ONE HD. IF I EVER HAVE A DAUGHTER, YOU CAN MARRY HER.

AUSTRALIAN NETBALLERS- WORLD CLASS ATHLETES I WANT TO GET FREAKY-NAUGHTY WITH

The abysmal amount of press coverage our World Champ netball players get is a disgrace [Also, the amount that our mens and womans basketballers get too is an fucking insult].
In another genius move by ONE HD we now get to see a shitload of games. VERDICT: These girls are the frigging worlds best at what they do. They play at the highest standard, are ultra competitive and lets face it- DO IT FOR JACK SHIT MONEY. 
They get paid about as much in a year as an AFL player would spend on hair product in a week.

They play this game cos they love it.

And people may say "it's a bullshit sport only played by commonwealth countries", WELL FUCK YOU. You don't think our cricketers play in a highly competitive sport? In a fair and just world, they would be paid AS MUCH as Ponting and the rest does. 
And fast paced netball is WAY better to watch than boring, slow moving cricket which also HAVE THE WORST COMMENTATORS EVER.
And lets face it- our netballers  ARE SMOKING HOT.

What would you rather watch- some dude chuck a ball at three bits of wood ALL FRIGGIN DAY, or a high tempo and extremely tactical game of netball with mega hot chicks? 
Netball wins on EVERY LEVEL.

And to seal the deal- here are some shots of my favorite players.
           

Caitlin Basset- Plays GS, takes no shit and is HOT	Kimberlee Green- Plays Centre, has tenacity, excellent passer and is HOT
Kate Beverage-  Plays GA, Outstanding FG% and HOT.

CH9- GIVE THAT SEAGULL A CONTRACT

Right off the bat, I gotta say this is why TV is way better than any other medium on the face of the earth. The unexpected moments like this. 

Others include,  

• the Normie Rowe vs Ron Casey fight on the midday show, 
  
  
• Andrew Denton stomping on a framed specimen of a huge spider on Kerrie Ann [to this day, the shocked look on her face and the "fuck you Kerrie Ann" demeanor Denton had is the main reason he's one of my heroes]
  
  
• and Fatty Vautin saying "fuck it" in his FIRST TV commentary appearance.

Classic stuff, that cannot be pre planned or replicated. But back to the seagull.

I know talent and that bird has MAJOR CHARISMA. Fuck Livina Nixon, get the Seagull on the weather report. 

And besides who do you think knows more on matters meteorological?
A Daryl Sommers laugh-bot or a seagull THAT CAN TELL YOU HOW FUCKING WINDY IT IS COS HE JUST FUCKING FLEW TO THE STUDIO.

The bird wins, but not based on that- because in the 4 seconds he was on screen HE SHOWED MORE PERSONALITY THAN NIXON HAS IN 15 YEARS.

ALSO: Watch for the Seagulls guest stint on RESCUE SPECIAL OPS as a love interest from Libby Tanners past.

FUCKTARDS OF THE MONTH- 
NICOLE RICHIE AND JOEL MADDEN

Recently no talent "celebrity" Nicole Richie and no talent musician Joel Madden welcomed a new baby into their family. Congratulations!
The baby is happy and healthy and apparently their first is enjoying having a brother around. Congrats again!

So why, oh why DID YOU HAVE TO FUCK IT UP BY CALLING THE POOR LITTLE BASTARD SPARROW???!!!
THAT'S RIGHT YOU READ IT CORRECTLY, FUCKING SPARROW!!!
NICE ONE DICKWITS, YOU JUST STUFFED UP THE NEXT 20 YEARS OF HIS LIFE IN A TWO SECOND DECISION!!!! SCHOOL WILL BE HELL FOR HIM NOW!!!!

I know what she was trying to do, get ahead of the whole bird bandwagon thing that began with the seagull from ch9 news. She is right, the seagull is awesome
BUT NAMING YOUR KID SPARROW???!!! YOU SELFISH FUCKS!!!!

This is child abuse plain and simple. This name is as easily as bad as Blanket [Michael Jackson], Apple [Gweneth Paltrow], Kal-El [Nic Cage] and Pilot Inspektor [Jason Lee]. 
All Fuck wads ever last one of 'em if they name their kid something FRUITY like that.

ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE DETAINED IN A MAGNETO STYLE PRISON. 
THEY MUST BE STOPPED. 

For the sake of the children, which like the poofy song says "are our future". 
I dunno about you but I don't want a generation of fuckers with names "Sage" and "Biscuit" running the country in the future.

CHICK I HAVE A CRUSH ON THIS MONTH- 
JENNIFER ESPOSITO

Apart from being the sort of woman upon seeing makes me go "WUBBITTA WUBBITTA ZING ZANG ZOOM!!!! SNUPPPFFF!!! 
I LIKE TRAFFIC LIGHTS, THOUGH MY NAMES NOT BAMBER!!!!" she has been kicking arse in some minor but memorable movie 
and TV roles [Summer of Sam, Rescue Me]. 
Captivating and elegant, she is a beautiful woman.

But yet, I was still torn when choosing her this month. Why?

COS SHE'S ENGAGED TO FUCKING MARK PHILIPPOUSSIS.

Yep, I know right? I was speechless too. 

It reminds me of high school when the most awesome chicks in school went out WITH THE BIGGEST COCKSMOKERS.
What's the deal with that, I still don't get it to this day.
Beautiful, well adjusted chicks with CHEATING, LYING, GENERALLY UNPLEASANT ARSEWIPES.

Anycrap, hats off to ya Jenny, you are racktacular.

See you next time and Remember, KEEP IT REAL: HAVE A MEAL.