Here we go again- another rant fresh from the pants!

HALLOWEEN TRICK OR TREATERS-
FUCK OFF BACK TO AMERICA

So I get home from a hard day at work, and decide to chill. And what the frigg happens? A BILLION LITTLE FUCKERS INTERUPT ME WHILE I AM TRYING TO PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO: LIBERTY CITY STORIES!!!!!

What the hell is that all about??! We don't trick or treat in Australia!!! That shit is American, if you wanna do that door to door begging for lollies- GO THE FUCK TO AMERICA!!!

Don't get me wrong- I'm not one of those “the U.S. sucks!!” dickwits who hate on them cos “their decadent culture is over riding global morality”.
No, I am not one of those arsemunchers, I like the U.S.

Love their TV, sports and skanky celebrity train wrecks. I just wouldn't wanna live there. [8 handgun average per dude? I say we all got two hands- we only need 2 handguns MAX]

But that being said- I don't wanna start celebrating THEIR FUCKING HOLIDAYS. When they start celebrating Ballarat Cup day, lets talk.

In the meantime we need to stop these kids being a public nuisance and treat 'em like we treat those fucking door to door telephone sales reps- BY SLAMMING THE DOOR IN THEIR LITTLE SPIDERMAN PAINTED FACES.

The parents who allow them to do this- FOR SHAME.
And another thing- all these kids except one group were BY THEMSELVES. Your letting kids about 10 years old wander the streets after 8pm knocking on the doors of strangers?? BY THEMSELVES??!!!! WAY TO PARENT YOUR KIDS FUCKO, YOUR THE REASON WHY IT SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO GET A LICENCE TO HAVE KIDS!!!!!

And Parents- I hear your concerns, without this Halloween bullshit-  the kids will go without lollies then they whinge, bitch and moan. Well, just send em out door to door on Australia Day dressed as ozzie legends [Dennis Lillie, Hugh Jackman, Rodney Rude, etc] to collect ANZAC bikkies.

Now that a concept I can get behind.

VEGEMITE- I WANT MORE

Ok, straight up- VEGEMITE IS AWESOME. No two ways about it. People bitch and moan that the Australian icon is “foreign owned”, but so is your Japanese flatscreen TV fuckball, GET OVER IT.

Recently they made a new version of the 'mite- called isnack 2.0. Truly a fucked up name. But they heard the public and CHANGED IT. To Cheeseybite. Not great, BUT IT'LL DO.

I have heard a lot of people hating on the new “creamy” 'mite but I gotta say- that shit is DELICIOUS. It's not for the morning toast it's more afternoon bikkie style.

But hey, Kraft- don't stop there.

We need more Vegemite products. Here's one I thought was pretty obvious.

SUPER STRENGTH VEGEMTE!!
You could call it TURBOMITE. Vegimite concentrate, I want it, I want it now.

Dunno about you but I like me a lot of Vegemite on my toast. With double strength stuff, you use half the amount and still get your salt rush in the morning.

Just read this random cut and pasted sentence from the “limes and lycopene blog”-

One teaspoon contains 150mg of sodium. This is 16 percent of the daily Adequate Intake (AI) level and 7 percent of the recommended Upper Level (UL) of intake.
This is a lot for one teaspoon of a condiment.

Only 150mg of sodium per teaspoon??? With TURBOMITE you could up that to at least 500mg!!!

I WANT SO MUCH SALT ON MY TOAST THAT IT MAKES MY FACE IMPLODE!!! NOT EXPLODE, IMPLODE!!!

YOU KNOW IT'S WAY SICKER WHEN SHIT IMPLODES!!!

Make it happen KRAFT, make it happen.

OZ- MAYBE THE BEST SHOW EVER

I don't think there will be another show as balls out crazy and addictive as OZ.

Anyone who has seen will know that it's full on- stabbings, rape, drug abuse, bad language, nudity, it's all there. But it had an unpredictable quality that kept you on your toes and wondering what the fuuuuckk was gunna happen next.

For the ignorant- here is the premise. Oz is the nickname for a maximum security  Oswald State Correctional facility. Emerald city is a experimental wing of the prison [prisoners are given a few more freedoms, but expected to behave] run by Tim McManus an idealistic dude who think these hard core crims can turn their life around.

It really is a show here character actors get to shine and REALLY chew the scenery. And with the high body count, characters are constantly coming and going and keeping the storylines fresh. And if they want to “scare” punk kids straight, just show 'em this shit. IT IS FLAT OUT SCARY. I know I don't ever want to go to jail, not with all those animals that will fuck you up within 2 seconds of being there.

Some of the best characters:
Alverez, a hispanic gang member who goes rogue and tries to escape.
Schillinger, the leader of the white supremacists and one intimidating mofo.
Ryan O'Reilly- Irish tough dude who manipulates every one.
Minister Said- a muslim convert and radical cleric who constantly challenges authority.

There is literally a huge cast and the prison set they shoot in is amazing. It drips with atmosphere, tension, and black humor. If you havent seen it-

GO OUT AND BUY THE BOX SET AND DON'T BEND OVER FOR THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER.

This show is so good it makes you wish EVERY show was like it. In the perfect world NEIGHBOURS would be full of drug deals and shower scenes, GETAWAY would have at least one riot per segment and SPICKS ANSD SPECKS would have multiple stabbings [I know when I watch it I wanna shiv someone].

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ROCKETPACK?

When I was a kid I used to watch sci fi movies that really made your expectations of the future very lofty. Escape from New York, Back to the Future 2, Blade Runner, these movies are responsible for giving us the idea that unbelievable technology would soon be within our grasp.

Well, it's 2009. And I gotta say WHERE IS THE HOVER CARS, LAZERS, HOLOGRAPHIC TV'S, VIDEO PHONES, SELF TYING NIKES AND CYBORG COPS??!!!!

Where are they??!!

These egg head so called genius types have really screwed us on this one. Heres a tip for them: STOP PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT AND GIMME MY FUCKING ROCKETPACK!!
THIS SHIT SHOULDA BEEN HERE IN 2000!!

Technology is SHIT. And don't get it twisted- I love my flat screen TV. BUT WE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE COLONIES ON THE MOON AND BE PLAYING 360 DEGREE ANTI GRAVITY MINI GOLF!!!

But for some reason these nerdlingers are more concerned with creating iphone apps that can tell you where the nearest vanilla slice is and CLONING.
CLONING??!! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BOTHERING??!! IT'S NOT LIKE THERES A HUMAN BEING SHORTAGE!!!!!

PULL YOUR FUCKING FINGER OUT EINSTEIN!! I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BEAM MYSELF TO WORK!!! NOT ONE SKATEBOARD CAN HOVER!!! ROBOT SLAVES STILL AREN'T WASHING MY DRAWS!!!!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU LOT ARE A DISCRACE!!!

SLAMBALL- THE NEW SPORT OF KINGS

Slamball- yet another reason why ONE HD is kicking arse.
This is the first sport to be exactly like a video game, it's like a cross between NBA Jam and Arch Rivals. It's a highly tactical game and fun as hell to watch with at least 5
“DID HE JUST FUCKING DO THAT??!!” moments per game.

If you have not seen this sport, it's basically a basketball court with an ice hockey type barrier around it and three trampolines under each hoop letting the 4 on 4 gamers to get MASSIVE AIR to perform huge dunks. 5 min quarters, 20 sec shot clock, unlimited contact, it's friggin SPECTACULAR. Youtube “SLAMBALL” and check out the dunks and blocks, it's so awesome I WANNA PLAY IT.

One of the best things are how excited the commentators get and the players nicknames include “Shakes” Fletcher, “Take Flight” White, George “Big” Bird and “Ice” Lattimore.
It's got style, it's got personality, FUCK THIS, LETS WATCH IT NOW.

CHICK I HAVE A CRUSH ON THIS MONTH: RIKKI LEE

Can't say I have ever heard her music or watched Australian Idol [Reality TV is surely one of the signs of an impending “2012” type apocalypse] but
STOP THE PRESS TERRY WE GOT US A HOTTIE, WOOOOO!!! BUTTER MY BREAD AND MAKE ME A SANGO, I LIKEY!!! CHECK YOUR WATCH COS IT'S HAMMER TIME!!!!!

FUCKTARD OF THE MONTH: LeBRON JAMES

Ok, so individually this guy is the best player in the world right now. He can do it all, shoot, pass, dunks, defends, block shots, EVERYTHING. He is awesome to watch and a athletic freak of nature. Anyone who says otherwise is WRONG. But.....

FACT: HE IS ACTING LIKE A WANKER.

During a recent 1 point loss to the Bulls at home, LeBron had the chance to win the game. Cav's ball with 20 seconds to go. Everybody knows he gunna get the last game winning shot. He drives, the Bulls play OUTSTANDING defence [like they had for the whole game] He fumble the ball out of bounds on the shot as time expires and the Bulls win.

Now, he's not a wanker cos he had a chance to win the game and didn't. Many NBA legends have missed game icers [Malone, Barkley, Jordan], it just can't go your way all the time. BUT how he reacted after the play is TYPICAL of him. Unsportsman like and childish. The replay CLEARLY shows it was out off him, yet he whinges and broods and shoots the stink eye at the ref's WHO WERE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. After the game he says “that was a foul” and “it was out off them”.
BULLSHIT.

And this isn't the first time he displayed spoiled brattish behavior.

Last years finals when the Cav's got knocked out and totally outplayed by the Orlando Magic, Lebron refused to shake hands with his opponents and let the court in a huff. He tried to explain this by saying it was because he was “competitive”.
BULLSHIT.

This year during training camp scrimmage game Lebron got dunked on by a college player. No biggie, when you play in the NBA, you will get dunked on at some point. But instead of just letting it just fade into history HE AND HIS NIKE CRONIES CONFISCATE THE CAMERAMENS TAPES TO AVOID “embarrassment”. He explained it by saying “it wasn't his decision”.
BULLSHIT.

But why is he such a whinger? He get outrageous superstar calls [touch fouls and they are NOT called if Joe Bloggs got the ball],never gets called for travelling [even though he takes FOUR steps on some plays] and has the league head office and Cav's front office FAWNING over him like the sun shines out his arse and his farts smell like Calvin Kleins “Obsession”.

 MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. YOU CAN'T BE CONSIDERED AMUNG THE GREATEST IF YOU DON'T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP.

Players like Magic Johnson, Clyde Drexler, Micheal Jordan, and Bill Russell were superstars BUT STILL MADE THEIR TEAMMATES BETTER. Lebron don't do that. And if you don't win a championship don't you want to be remembered as a good sportsman?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself dude.